Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship

This is one of the best and most practically useful books on any subject that I have ever read. Even when I was only halfway through it, the tips and suggestions in this book already started working wonders on my interactions with an individual whom I suspect of having a mild case of undiagnosed BPD and made me recognize some of the things I had been doing wrong, despite the best of intentions. Wow! I have now finished the book, and my overwhelming impulse is to immediately start over from the beginning and repeatedly reread it, as there is a lot to absorb and apply here. I would ultimately like to get the point where I have almost memorized the third and fourth chapters, which address the roots of BPD and the basic building blocks of an effective approach to dealing with someone who has it. As a bonus, at the end, the author provides a multitude of references and resources for people who want to delve further into the subject in a hands-on manner. As an unexpected but extremely welcome side effect, I find that I have now been able to get in tune with my own emotions in ways that I had never previously managed to do. Reading this book is helping me to be my full self and stop channeling negative personality characteristics and behavior patterns of others that I had always cringed at, which I had never realized I was doing. The book is a very easy read, being written in a non-academic, highly conversational manner with dozens of real life illustrations and a nice dose of subtle humor. Ninety-nine percent of what the author says makes perfect sense to me, and I like that she is not judgmental about same sex relationships, which at least one other currently popular book on BPD apparently is. Don’t be put off by the publication date (2011). While there has undoubtedly been more recent research on the topic, the practical wisdom that this book imparts is classic. I did not find it dated in any significant way. It seems to me that many principles articulated in the book can be effectively applied to dealing with almost anyone, whether or not affected by BPD and whether or not a love relationship is involved. And I am sure that there are gradations of BPD and that many more people are affected by it or by elements thereof to varying degrees, depending on their personal histories and circumstances, than we generally realize. If everyone with an open mind were to read this book and take it seriously and attempt in good faith to implement its tips and suggestions in appropriate situations, we would have a far more civilized and happy society, with much higher quality and more effective personal interactions and fewer personal crises. In sum, a total, life-changing winner! I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

I'm quite surprised to read some of the negative reviews of this book, as it has been the best help to me BY FAR. I think this should remind all of us that BPD isn't a monolith, that individuals are still individuals, and what works well for one person isn't going to work at all for another. So, try not to get swayed by the emotional language some are using in their reviews, and instead just note the substance of the critique (if any) to determine if the book is likely to aggravate or ameliorate your situation. In working with my own family member, who is not physically violent but is verbally abusive and prone to extremely intense delusions, this book has been a lifesaver. It helps me ground in the reality of what's going on for my loved one, and when I engage the five step process discussed in Chapter 4, my interactions with my loved one get much better. Whenever I forget and revert to other ways of interacting, I get bad results. Some reviewers have pointed to the problems with the author's emphasis on "validation." I understand that this can be very difficult. My loved one lapses into extremely intense angry outbursts of verbal attacks, delusional lies & really aggressive meanness - it's hard, in fact mostly impossible, to find anything to "validate" in those moments, and the author is really clear that you do have to create limits/boundaries to protect yourself when needed. You do not validate the invalid, period. Author is very clear about that. But when my loved one believes that all they are going to receive from me is pushback when they share their observations, their fears, their disordered understanding, they are just pushed farther and farther into their alternate reality. While I cannot "fix" them by "validating," what is happening is that we are having fewer angry outbursts and more time where we can actually talk about real issues. So, a great book, a lifesaving book, and also - LIKE EVERYTHING - not the right fit for everyone. If you read this book and it's not helpful... read another book! Good luck to everyone who is dealing with BPD and associated disorders. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Einfühlsam, objektiv, gut erklärend und mit wirklich hilfreichen Tipps. Ich denke, dieses Buch kann Ihnen helfen, suchen Sie als Partner/in eines/r Borderliners/in wirklich Hilfe, was SIE tun können - und was Sie nicht mitmachen brauchen (und was sie wie machen sollen). Ich als Betroffene fand jetzt die Beispiele manchmal etwas krass, aber die Ausprägung der Störung ist ja unterschiedlich. Hier lernt an das wertfreie Kommunizieren, auf die eigenen Grenzen zu achten, klar und rücksichtsvoll zu sagen, was die eigenen Bedürfnisse sind. Also wie man mit einem Borderliner kommuniziert, damit er versteht, was man von ihm möchte - und was nicht. Natürlich wird auch erklärt (eben wertfrei), wieso sich jemand mit Borderline-Störung so verhält, wie er sich verhält. Es ist sehr aufschlussreich und verständlich geschrieben. Ich finde, auch Betroffene können sich das Buch als Ratgeber durchlesen, was die Umgangsweise (Kommunikationsleitfäden, Achtsamkeit auf sich selbst) angeht. Sogar für nicht-Borderliner-Beziehungen finde ich den Part der Kommunikation, also wie man sich ausdrückt um Wünsche, Grenzen und Misstände mitzuteilen empfehlenswert. Ist allerdings auf englisch. Das sollte man können. Ich (C-Level) finde es aber nicht zu anspruchsvoll geschrieben. Wer sich auf englisch unterhalten kann, kann auch das Buch verstehen, denke ich. Große Empfehlung! Im Gegensatz zu so vielen anderen Ratgebern zum Thema, wird hier nicht Stigmatisiert, Gekränkt, Schuld hin und her geschoben, gewertet (abgewertet) oder der Borderliner als "schlecht" abgestempelt. Hier wird gezeigt, was in einem Borderliner vor geht. Und es werden Tipps gegeben, wie man sich im verhalten soll, damit es gesund für Beide Seiten bleibt. Damit der/die Angehörige sich nicht manipuliert, missbraucht, überfordert, als Monster oder sonstewie schuldig, gekränkt, enttäuscht oder befremdet fühlt. Allerdings, lässt man sich auf die Tipps ein, bedeutet das auch viel Arbeit an einem selbst. Eine Art sich öffnen für neue Wege und loslassen von Vorwürfen ist schon wichtig. Es ist eben Arbeit im Beziehungsalltag. Verstehen allein reicht ja noch nicht. Im Grunde basiert das Buch auf der DBT. Eine Therapieform für Borderliner. Die Grundaussage ist meiner Meinung nach: Wertfreies Betrachten der EIGENEN Gefühle, schauen, wo die EIGENEN Bedürfnisse sind, ob sie angemessen sind. Schauen, was man selbst tun kann für sein Wohl. Schauen, wo die eigenen Grenzen sind. Und das genannte Kommunizieren dessen. Achtsam vor allem mit sich selbst sein eben. Ich habe mehere Ratgeber zum Thema angeschaut. Diesen finde ich mit Abstand den Besten. Besonders für Angehörige, die einen DBT-Therapierten Borderliner im Boot haben. Falls der Betroffene kein DBT gemacht hat, wird es eventuell sehr viel schwieriger werden, Zugang zum Betroffenen zu finden, trotz Buch und durcharbeiten, denke ich. Ich hoffe, ich konnte Ihnen helfen. Männliche + Weibliche Anredeformen hab ich jetzt drucheinander geschmissen. Ich meine natürlich beide Geschlechter, auch erwähne ich es nicht immer. LG Hanne

Very well written book with real life example for person with borderline disorder and their loved ones

Useful tool for introduction for DBT skills

I’m a young female living with BPD, I read this book and learnt many new things about my disorder. I’ve passed this book onto my family and my partner to read as well so they are better able to identify certain patterns/behaviours, and have a better understanding of how they can best help me while I’m working towards recovery.

This book is just wonderful, providing great insight the the realities to living (and loving) someone with BPD. This book is very easy to read, and well worth it. I share what I am learning WITH my Partner, who has BPD. I am very impressed.