Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up

The timing of the arrival of this book was somewhat uncanny, as it arrived the day after my wife and I had had our first fight in quite a long while (in the past, there have been rough spots). During that fight, uncharacteristically, my wife was really anger with me and lost her temper, screaming and yelling and cursing; that night, she even slept in another room. The next morning my instinct was (fitting of Ms. Lerner observation that we tend toward fight or flight) to be frosty, but I reminded myself that won't change a downward spiral effect; so I tried to be pleasant, but that probably just got me to neutral. Then, a few pages in to Marriage Rules, Lerner wrote (quoting a friend and colleague): "It's just when your partner is being the biggest jerk that you're called upon to be your best self." Now, my wife wasn't really being a jerk (I could understand why she was disappointed in me, even if she was over-reacting [from my vantage point]. But it helped me reset my emotional thermostat and got me excited about Ms. Lerner's new book. The excitement wasn't because of any big breakthroughs, but because the book offers timeless reminders delivered in an engaging way and illustrated with good vignettes. For example, in Rule #43 in the "Fight Fair" section, she tells about a San Francisco-based couple that fought viciously over just about everything. They seemed to have no control over their attacks on each other -- until a distinguished British professor stayed as a house guest for months, sleeping in the bedroom right next to theirs. Over those months, they were courteous with each other and agreed it was among the best months of their marriage. The point: you have more control than you think. Not every rule or vignette moved me (for example, her story about communication about sex in Rule #55 seemed a bit too obvious), but the general message in that section "Forget About Normal Sex" is spot on and relieves pressure that can only make things worse in the bedroom. So overall, well recommended, especially if you're looking for a book to keep by your bedside and read a rule or two or few at a time -- and then share the book with your partner. Other books on marriage to consider: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (helpful for looking at the deep underlying patterns that cause disfunction) and The Couple's Survival Workbook: What You Can Do To Reconnect With Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work (especially helpful if you're really struggling).

When read daily to each other, this simple marriage rule book invites conversation and perspective shared together. We took turns each day reading one rule to the other. The flow of this books starts a 'troubled' couple off at the stage, when both are feeling unheard and unsure of where the relationship stands. Once you get past the rules about speaking to each other, the "right" way, you move into the next chapter of rules with the foundation necessary to make improvements in the way you communicate and relate to your partner. As we marched through the book, we already decided we would revisit chapters or rules to strengthen what we learned. So much of this is common sense, but something that also vanishes when emotions are hurt and high. It saved us, and got us back on track, back on the path which we somehow departed without recognizing it was happening to us. We found this book better than our marriage counseling sessions at times and even bragged to our therapist of things we had learned as we read the rules. Therapy can work slowly, but this book gives a simple rule per day that keeps the momentum going and preventing a couple from backing up in between sessions. Not complicated to read or understand, this book won't scare off either partner and even covers rules for those with children (or step-children) and a little family of origin in there. We would definitely buy another rule book by this author, if she made this a series. Thank you for formatting a self-help book in this manner for those of us weary of psychology books full of psych jargon and over-explanation!

I received this book yesterday and was so looking forward to it I opened it to a random page and immediately started reading. At once I identified with what I was reading on the very first page I found. Lerner breaks down problem areas in relationships by chapters, then again in to shorter topics and then again in to very short summaries/bullet points. It's easy to pick up anywhere. I bought this book to help work out some deeper issues with my relationship (I am not married but find this is just as relevant in committed relationships) that we've identified but have not yet been able to completely manage. This book has already been helpful (yes! even after one day!) in identifying ways to manage such issues. The format makes it easy to have a conversation about the book with your spouse/significant other since it's broken down so easily. My only gripe with the book is that Lerner makes presumptions about gender roles when discussing relationship issues - for example, she discusses the Pursuer/Distancer roles that many relationships take on when a relationship is under high stress. When discussing this, she writes as though all Pursuers are women and all Distancers are men, which is, of course, not accurate. I would hope that there wouldn't be this much stereotyping when roles can just as easily be reversed. This aside, the book is excellent and a very highly recommended read for anyone considering.

Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up is not so much a typical self-help book as it is a set of helpful suggestions, for maintaining a healthy relationship or mending a broken one pieced together, by a seasoned expert in the fields of psychology and family relationships. Harriet Lerner doesn’t waste time with wordy prose, instead she effectively provides a list of 106 rules, divided into ten chapters, which suggest concrete examples of common issues and ways to alter perspectives and behaviors to improve relationships. Despite the sound information she gives, it is difficult as a reader to learn about all the possible missteps he or she is making without feeling overwhelmed and defeated. Still, if the reader wants to learn and change, Lerner imparts something to take away from each example. Lerner’s rules are diverse, concrete and are sure to contain advice which applies to every reader looking to improve his or her relationship. The author gives the reader ideas about how to change his or her own behaviors in ways that will positively impact both partners. She gives specific examples of how to create a more loving and positive atmosphere by pointing out things many people do in relationships that cause tension and suggests alternatives, such as only criticizing once per day or telling your partner things you admire about him or her. She points out important aspects to maintaining successful relationships over time, which most people are not aware of, such as: marriage expert Goldman says a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions are necessary for a lasting marriage. The reader may feel like he or she is doing many things wrong, or that this might lead to a break up, but Lerner has suggestions for every situation. The author gives advice for happy couples, those who don’t get along, or those on the verge of splitting up, which is a bit unsettling, but also means any reader can take ideas from a variety of examples and apply them for his or her own purposes. By showing couples at different stages, Lerner, gives the reader a chance to reflect on his or her own relationship, roles within the relationship, and how it might change in the future. The reader wonders, for example, if he or she exhibits the problem behaviors that lead to divorce. In allowing the reader to consider different options, for failure and improvement, Lerner literally helps the reader make better choices for his or her relationship. Her rules support and empower decisions for the reader. No one ever says marriage is easy. We know all relationships take work. Most partnerships don’t have a guidebook like this one, with straight-forward advice. If you’re ready, use it and welcome it. No matter what the circumstance of the reader, Marriage Rules is a start to making changes from within you’ll need to improve your life with another person.

I will admit that I am a long-term Harriet Lerner fan, and have read all of her books. My own favorite was The Mother Dance. But, for wisdom and joy, for accessibility and hope (!!), this may be her best one yet. ANYONE in an intimate relationship can benefit from reading this book. The format is genius. I think most people do not want a lot of theoretical, in-the-weeds ideas about communication. They want great, practical, smart, effective advice, in a style that is as if a very wise therapist (which she is) is talking to you. If you are reading reviews for this book, it is because you are interested in this genre. I would totally recommend buying it--and a few extras for your (adult) children, friends, and (if, like me, you are a helping professional) your colleagues.

Practical, constructive, loving and MATURE instruction on how to communicate with the person you love. How to express yourself clearly, how to clarify an issue, how to deal with a spouse who has his or her own communication issues, and what to say and what not to say in the heat of the moment -- and always keep the preservation of the relationship and everyone's dignity intact. A very wise and realistic approach -- I would recommend giving it to every bride (and groom) at a wedding shower. In fact, I think I'm going to start doing just that. I read it after being married for 30 years, and I cringe at the memories of my own immaturity, and feel lucky that my marriage has survived. Turn off the pop culture "advice" and listen to someone who can really tell you how to honor your relationship. If you truly want a strong, loving, respectful relationship, this is the book for you. If you want to get your partner to do it all your way, you're not going to get that from this book, but you need it too. A profound wake-up call.

Lerner always gives useful advice, in a clear way and with a voice that signals a reasonable, approachable person. The problem is that there's very little that's new here -- I think some of her earlier books were stronger. (Or maybe the advice was newer to me then!)

Harriet Lerner never disappoints! This book has a great format. Each "rule" is bite-sized and practical. They are usually only about a page or two. You can read one a day with your partner and discuss, or just ponder and put it into practice yourself. The chapters cover specific topics with several rules in each chapter.

I liked her other book "dance of anger" so I bought this too. The advice is not deep enough, based on cliches and traditional relationships. Not enough inclusion and just gives advice for the very general issues (the ones you could see on any TV drama). And even then doesn't go too deep on the solutions, probably to keep it short. Might be useful for others but I might need more specified help for my issues I guess. So I will return it.

Harriet Lerner does an excellent job of using humour and very do-able suggestions to make relationships work better in this practical, easy-to-read book.

Livro muito bem escrito, com regras que realmente são eficientes se aplicadas aos nossos relacionamentos. Recomendo a leitura.

This book is SO RELEVANT! Every day I read at least two rules and it’s not just a finger pointing at you telling you what to do. It’s actually real life experience delivered in a relatable way. Once in a while I share pages with friends and they are amazed! Please get it! I’m going to buy another copy to lend to friends just so I can keep my own!! Get it!

It is great support for me,I`m actually going through massive crisis in my marriage. My husband has left home and country for last 6 months.Now,I know that he is stone waller. Your book gives me more understanding in this difficult situation. I have bought it in an audiobook version and am listening it during driving to work and back home. I wish I had it before all this happened. I have hope still that we can save the relationship of 30 years and family with 2 children. Thank you for this book. Kind regards Kate