Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

I have found this book to be useful in my ministry for adult children of abusive or controlling parents, Luke 17:3 Ministries. It begins by describing Destructive Narcissistic Parents (DNPs),teaches how being raised by them affected you, and gives very unique techniques for diffusing their ability to hurt you. It subscribes to the theory that confrontation will not work because a narcissist will never change and does not believe he is doing anything wrong, but rather thinks that everyone else exists for his use and benefit; therefore other techniques for dealing with him are suggested, including avoidance, humor, or body language designed to subconsciously confuse the narcissist. Does your parent have attention needs, admiration needs, the need to be considered unique and special, lack of empathy, feel others are extensions of herself, grandiosity, shallow emotions, a sense of entitlement, emotionally abusive traits, or does she exploit others? These characteristics identify a DNP, and specific examples of each trait are given. As an adult, you can have two possible responses to being raised by a DNP. You may have a Siege Response- some traits of which include becoming defiant when given orders or demands, rebelling against restrictions or rules, being wary or fearful of intimacy, feeling anxious or panicky when others want to be nurtured, guilty feelings, personalizing others' behavior, being easily offended, etc. You may also exhibit the Compliant Response, including needing to be liked or approved of, feeling responsible for others' well-being, feeling that others are taking advantage of you, sacrificing personal needs for others, being overemotional, being overly critical of yourself and others, etc. We are taught coping strategies which include developing emotional insulation, avoiding trying to empathize, giving up unrealistic fantasies, and meeting our emotional needs instead of putting them second to everyone else's. The empowering strategies which are suggested are very interesting. For instance, becoming contrary when a DNP is trying to manipulate us- without explaining or announcing what we are doing, simply doing the opposite of or something entirely different from whatever is wanted or ordered. Other examples include becoming indifferent, avoiding interactions, setting guidelines your parent must follow in order to obtain your cooperation, practicing a blank facial expression and no response when being criticized, acting bored and "drifting" to another subject, asking a series of questions that will point out the absurdity of what they are saying, and declaring independence. It is important not to let them get a rise out of you or appear hurt, angry or defensive. This book is especially valuable for those with self-centered parents who exploit them, and have probably done so since childhood. Many of us will recognize the narcissist in our own parents.

A really good book if you are the child of a narcissistic parent, and you were looking to break the curse and end cycles

Nina Brown writes as a child of a self-absorbed parent, and that is clear: she knows her stuff and her examples are on point. Her advice has helped me cope with my dad with narcissistic personality disorder, despite the advice being exactly opposite of how to handle NORMAL people: it is perfect to cope with these types of parents.She writes from the exact key issue of these parents : their inability to shape their self esteem without outside people. You will learn something new, even if you have researched everything online. She added some simple questionnaires to fill in about your parents and some explanation for each trait. Note that someone does not necessarily score high on a lot of them; my father scores low on three traits (of 10 I think) . But regardless of this, it's been perfectlying helpful.She also included tests at the back to fill in yourself about which narc traits you possess yourself, as a child of ... I took these a few times, and they pointed towards two traits I have. I have been working on this since I saw it written down, and have made strides with it.This can also be a useful book if you have a parent who is maybe not a narcissist, but maybe a toxic drama queen, or an overbearing parent. The tips are useful for every (grown up) child who is still struggling to cope with their self-absorbed mom or dad, and feels like they've tried everything and are tired of fighting all the time with someone who cannot admit to being wrong.Those in the other comments saying it is awful advice clearly don't have parents who qualify for her book. The tips are like magic in my case. Every time I digress and fall into old patterns of communication, the night is ruined as usual. Now I have evenings with my family where I don't feel exhausted afterwards, and where my dad is more or less pleasant (yes! Pleasant! Imagine that!). Yes, she advises to say things or not say thinhs against your natural grain (normal people do not ignore an insult, for example), but it helps immediately.So thank you, Nina Brown. You've made my life a LOT easier the past year.Note that this will not be useful for PARTNERS of the self-absorbed. You will need a different book.

The beginning shows promise but then the author descends into what feels like a weak and sterile attempt to tackle an incredibly painful and complex issue.Worse than that - the reader is made to feel as though they are also likely to be displaying narcissistic tendencies. The 'coping' strategies are cringingly condescending (advising the reader to celebrate 'wonder' by jumping up and down or drawing a picture!!) and I'm afraid that whilst there may be some constructive advice threaded through the text, there is a lot of potentially very damaging content here too.Don't risk your already fragile mental health - there are probably better books out there.

This book is hard work. It might do you some good in the long run but you will undoubtedly be unaware of how it happened or what the problem was in the first place. Too many tables and tests to work through and not enough basic information or detail to explain or keep it interesting. I think this might only really be useful after you have read other things to give you the information you want first but I doubt many people will have the patience to work through everything required.

Very insightful... it helped me and my sister to understand a lot of things: our feelings, our habitual thoughts and our habitual responses to certain situations. It was almost as if it unravelled my childhood that has always been so confusing and vague. Definitely a nice read.

Wow, is about the sum of it. Quite an eye opener. This book was recommended to me, as I've been struggling to understand a relationship. This quite clearly shows the background to many things.

Once you manage to get through rather irritating self-questionnaires and a bit of patronisong/ condescending tone, it's quite a good book. I'd give it 3.5 stars.